I suppose I aught to update a different area of my website (like one without a current entry on the front page lol), but I was in Chorus tweaking some things on the html and templates so I decided to start updates here. Although it's not very spiritual to speak of the updates huh? hehe Did you see the new faerie I adopted? Scroll down this page some and meet Sage ^_^ She's in the left hand bottom corner (though she's pretty big so it may not seem like she's confined to the corner).

Anyhow, meditation schedule is kinda slow in coming to me. I've missed a lot of days (I'm supposed to do 30 hrs by beginning of July). Some have been missed to allergy attacks, some have been missed to lack of time, and others laziness. So far I've gotten 5 hours! T_T I'm so horrid at this. The good news is that I've already started a kind of walking meditation--which is taking how I was taught to meditate and applying it as often as possible in my yoga practices--which are not true yoga, it's on video tape and its geared for weight loss and not really any spiritual aspects to yoga and the first half hour is cardio (which means you are working up a sweat) and the rest is strenth and core conditioning (working on strength and the middle area--waist, butt, thighs, etc). Walking meditation is supposed to be the next step that my next lesson the beginning of next month will start on (and I'll have to get 30 hours of that in). Meditation would be a lot easier without a two-year-old, I hope my teacher understands that. I have a two-year-old, I'm happy with a two-year-old and I have just as much an obligation (if not more) to raising that two-year-old as I do to enriching my soul--although I think the more my soul is enriched, the better I will be as a parent, HOWEVER, I also think it will mean slower going for me. At this stage in his life he needs my devotion to his upbringing to create a solid base for the rest of his life. That's pretty important, so if it cuts into my meditation time because he wants to read a story and spend time with mommy or he needs me to stand over him instructing him to pick up his toys (I need to point at each toy and tell him to put it away right now before he'll do it, otherwise he'll wander around aimlessly at clean up), or he wants to be cuddly, or he needs disciplined (trust me, using time out, I have to definitely watch him to put him back in the chair every 30 seconds at first), or he needs education, or just a day out with nature with me, then by the High Ones, meditation will just have to wait. Perhaps my teacher is getting more ahead of himself than he should regarding my spiritual progress. Without a son, sure, I could probably grow like wildfire, with my son, I may not be able to do all these things he says I'm capable of until my son is more than a couple of years older, at least until he's 5, preferably holding off great movements until he's 10. That's probably how far moving to California (if I do) will be in the future. I look at it this way, although I will not control my son's spiritual choices and force him into anything, but not only am I learning new things but I am attempting to instruct a younger life in them at the same time--and anyone who teaches younger children knows that it's a lot quicker to teach older children and adults (the counter-balance to that being that young children, when they do learn their lessons, practice and learn them better than older children and adults) essentially, then, you add to the fact that right now he is two. With American children, and I am subject to raising him somewhat American no matter what I do, there's no getting away from it, around the age of 2 is when most children test the limits of their parents, to see what they can get away with so it's hard to see that you've taught them anything. It seems to go through one ear and out the other. Many of them go through another stage like that in their teen years, I didn't, not really, and I hope that Michael follows suit. I don't want him to be a mini-me and I don't want him to ascribe to everything I do per letter, like a little copy, but some teen obedience and the same lack of parent hating you ruin my life stuff that I had with my mom would be a nice reward. I was never embarassed by my mother and I never understood why so many other teens hated their parents (I see why some do, but others I know for a fact had parents that could be just as pushy and controlling as mine and no more), it was a fad to hate your parents (at least in words with friends) and it was one I never followed. My mom and I had one big fight, but other than that I pretty much listened to her with a little whining and some under the breath come-backs sometimes, but never the kinds of fights she had with my sister or my brother.

I ramble too much sometimes ^^" hehe I got off track. My point is that my pace will be slower because I do not want my son left behind in any way. He will be by my side every step of the way (unless, of course he happens to want some space lol). I will not force my hand in his own spiritual growth or life choices, but I also will not abandon or leave him behind in pursuit of my own. I have a responsibility and it's a pretty damn important one.

However, despite my loss of meditation hours, I have a weekend getaway (by myself) planned. I'm borrowing a friend's tent (just in case it rains) and going tent camping at the local nature preserve. I will be eating very light and the focus of the camp out is spirituality so I expect to get plenty of meditation done, it's easier to be in the here and now when I am where I feel the most at home (the forest). I've been wanting to do this spiritual camp out for the last year now, and I'm finally doing it this weekend *grins hugely*. By myself, just nature and I, connecting. I hope to find my animal spirit guide too. So, I will not be eating any kind of meat three days prior to Saturday, and Saturday I will be fasting (Saturday is the day I will be out there all 24 hours of it and then some before and after)--I've only fasted once, so just in case, I have planned light fasting which I think is bread and water are allowed--although I probably won't eat bread, I'll probably only eat fruit or something light like that--fresh fruit. My plan is this: If I get so hungry I seem faint and it will counter-productive to my spiritual day, then I will look for natural things to eat around me like some berries or something (yes, I've a mind to which ones are poisonous thank you), if nothing natural that I am positive is alright can be found, then I will move to the fresh fruit in my cooler--and, of course, no matter what I will be drinking water, it's too hot this season not to (and don't give me that Jesus went in the desert without food and water for 40 days line--I'm not Jesus and this is the first time I've attempted fasting since I had my son--and I think the only other time was 10 years ago when I was about 13). I will leave Sunday night or Monday morning, I'm not sure which yet, either way, if I leave Monday morning, I will treat Sunday as I did Saturday. My provisions, emergency food and water in a cooler, my tent in case it rains, wood for the fire pit and meditation, a camping place within reasonable distance to the privy (so I don't get lost looking for it late at night) but also as secluded as I can get it), a compass, my first aid kit, several types of journals (I'm a journal freak), among other things. I can't wait until this weekend, I finally get to do it!

06/09/04 :: 06/18/04

Singing
Sung




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