Poor me *sigh*
Apr 19, 2003

Yep, this is an entry of fatigue, depression, and a touch of anger, so what better title than poor me? Heh. Just had a fight with the fiancé that we have yet to finish. Michael (my son) cried during it. I'm so tired of a lack of support. What's the lesser evil? Living with a couple where the house is so dirty that you sink into absolute depression, or living with a couple where your son is considered less than average when you know they just aren't seeing what you do and that their kids are no angels either as they try to claim and yet your fiancé, because he respects said people so much, is inclined to agree with them when he doesn't even spend as much time with his son as I do. So he doesn't ask for food or drinks with words, he doesn't say please, bed, bath, ball, Who cares?! Pay attention to what he is saying. He's only 18 mos old, he knows how to communicate those words to me, and he does. Moreover, there are other words he DOES say, blue (pointing to things that ARE blue), mommy, daddy, what's that?, this, that, wow, Yay! I think he has a good vocabulary and I'm not gonna hang food in front of him and force him to say food, eat, or please to give him a bite--it frustrates him. To me, that would foster a dislike for language which I'm definitely trying NOT to do. Nobody listens to that though, I'm just an overly-protective mother who can't see her son's failings. I feel like that's the treatment I get here. My son is unhappy all the time, doesn't talk as much as he should, all of this said right in front of him like he's a dog who doesn't know. How do we know he doesn't know we're talking about him? Kids understand a lot more than adults give them credit for. This is not a good enviroment for my son. He is smart, he is happy IF his needs are taken care of. But when it isn't mommy who's here with him, he doesn't get what he needs, his food is late, he has to cry for a drink for awhile from daddy or a diaper change. I feel so much like a single parent I want to scream. ESPECIALLY since single parent that I am, I still have the obligations to please a man who has the WORST timing in the universe. He wants to cuddle as soon as my muse gets inspiration and then throws such an attitude in gestures and such that he makes me feel guilty for writing. It makes me so mad!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of feeling guilty for things that are important to me. Sometimes I just don't even want him anymore. I don't want any of them. I just want to take Michael and find us our own home where we don't have to listen to them anymore, where we don't have to deal with it.

I'm tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do. TIRED OF IT! SO tired of it. I signed up for classes for this fall, and the first thing that comes out of the fiancé's mouth is not support, not gentle questions but these questions with an attitude behind them that suggests that I'm entirely selfish for going back to school full time, I won't make it full time, why not just one or two classes, did I take my son into account? YES!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!! YES GODDAMMIT!!!!!!! I DID!!!! I've thought about it all, I have. 14 credit hours--I can make it but I never get any support!!!!!!!

Thank god for sisters. T_T My sister just called for my mom, and not knowing anything about what I'm writing right now except for that I was writing when she called, insisted that everything of mine is good everytime I rewrite it and said that my cousin has been sharing some of the stuff I gave her and her friends and stuff keep asking if she's got anything more on "that girl" (referring to me)--she told me her, my aunt, and two of my cousins were talking about it today (if I got any wierd feelings lol). It's a blessing to hear stuff like that when almost on a daily basis, whenever I sit down to write, I get a major "you're being so selfish cause I want to see you right now and all you want to do is write" attitude. So, eventually, he decides that I can write instead WITH/AFTER a major attitude about it. Who can write after that? I really need a constant friend (seen quite often) who supports me instead of downing everything I do.

I don't mean to make him sound abusive or anything. He's not. He just has really bad timing and he hardly says anything but it's in his actions plainer than if he'd shouted at me. Although there are times when he just won't accept that I'm not in a cuddling mood. I HATE romance, I hate love relationships right now. I'm done with it all, amorous love, sex, I don't care, I'm sick of it, it's overrated. All I want is just a really good friend to help me through just as I try to help them through. I want my Dea back T_T I wish she'd never moved to Thailand. Wherever you are now Dea-chan~ I miss you!!!