New York New York
Oct 13, 2005

New York state anyway. I'm here and very happy! Yay! Both my son and I. We find ourselves, not only happy, but very content too. Delos (my new fiancé) also says he is very content ^_______^ It's so beautiful here too! Delos laughed at me when I made an effort to see my first night-lit city view from a higher altitude (it was on his side of the van), I've never seen a city from above--well higher and off to the side anyway ^,~ He said he only laughed because he reacted the same way the first time he saw it too. I'm sorry, I'm a flat-lander and have never seen mountains in my entire life! They have some small mountains here, their largest (I think) is called "Break neck mountain" so named because several people have died trying to climb it. With all of the trees smoothing its features it looks like a very large, friendly hill--which is why people have died climbing it--they don't take it seriously. I live in a much larger city than before now, but it doesn't feel that way! In fact, it feels like I've moved to a smaller, more nature based city. Where Illinois had a bunch of flat land, some woods and buildings, it's almost like this area of New York tries more to coexist with the woods, there's buildings and parking lots and roads, sure, but trees closely hug everything, almost like you could choose to live anywhere in this area and you would still feel like you lived in the woods *sighs peacefully* Very beautiful!

Sorry it's taken me so long to update, I've had non-stop allergies for a week before I moved (Delos flew over the 13th of September and we left the 14th and drove over 17 hours straight to New York state), I'm now feeling under the weather a little bit too and we've been very busy. I've made several friends, appear to fit in nicely with his family and his three cats all like me (in fact, his oldest cat, Donna, prefers my lap to his now hehehe--Furrball, one of her kittens is beginning to prefer me too ^,^ ). Yin is starting to get along with Furrball now, I think they were playing tonight, but she is still at odds with the other kitties. She chases them. It's really funny, she's the only cat here without claws and chases the others whenever she sees them--and they run away! Well, Furrball doesn't anymore. Yin is also a good deal more daintier than the other three being thin and small whereas the others are chunky. It's rather humorous to see the smallest one without weapons turn into the bully ^^"

I don't have a job yet but that's another long story which I may or may not get around to telling. I'm working on it though, should be able to start hunting soon.

Michael and Delos are really getting along now, not that they weren't before. Michael has really taken to him and that makes me happy too. In fact, the only non-happy moments I've had since I've moved here are my occasional nightmares that I've moved back to Danville, Illinois by force and have to wait there an undetermined amount of time before Michael and I can move back to where we were happy, unable to even see Delos in that time either. It may sound stupid, but those dreams are really awful. I'm so very happy and content here that I've come to realize just how trapped and supressed I felt in Illinois, I also don't like the dreams because Michael is finally getting what he wants and I know having to move back to Illinois would make him never trust that he can have this stability and happiness, that this is normal and not the other way of life. Michael is finally accepting that we aren't leaving, that Delos is not going away permanently when he leaves for work, that he comes back every night, in the dreams, that's been taken away from Michael too and it's another reason why the dreams are nightmarish for me, seeing Michael get happiness taken away, stability and faith in people because we had to move back. The reasons why we had to go back are never clear in my dreams, only that it was not by my, Michael or Delos' choice that I had to go back and there is always the promise of being reunited at a later date, last dream I had been back in Danville for about a month and it would only be a week before Michael and I could go back to New York. However, the bad that still existed is that I knew I would have to work from scratch to build Michael's confidence in the stability of our new life up, to make him believe the happiness would not be taken away again. I could definitely see having to do that in real life if we were forced to move back. Michael loves this, he loves the new family, his new friends, he's very content and becoming very used to the idea that it is permanent and not built on a breeze that's going to blow somewhere else, he's accepting that he can keep this happiness, the family and friends that Delos isn't going to leave us and never come back. There's a marked difference compared to all of the other moments in his life, all of the other living situations. He really really loves this one and I can tell he's been worried it will get taken away from him somehow. I can also see that he's beginning to trust he can keep it. Now I just pray nothing changes that. My worries extend to something Jason might try (although odds are stacked against him being able to do anything serious) and unexpected death (something I really don't want to consider).

For the first time I truly feel like I'm home. I thought places were home before, but they don't compare with this feeling. When first I saw New York state, beautiful and covered in trees I felt like I was home, with this family, with these friends, the people around me now, I love them as much as my own family, not more not less, but I feel I'm home now. I feel like I was meant to be here, we were meant to be here all along. Even in those few nightmares, the sadness and depression I felt over being back in Danville was not just because I was separated from Delos, it was very much like being homesick, I was homesick, I missed the whole damned state too (homesick for New York that is, not for Illinois). Even now, in the waking world, even if I could take Delos with me and his job could be just as great, even if Jason were taken out of consideration, I don't want to go back, not even to visit. No offense intended to my family, it's not like that and please don't take it personally, it's the place. Disregarding all of the people there. I now know what Advait was talking about when he said that I was in the wrong place. He wanted me to go to California with him. I knew that wasn't the place for me either. I knew I wanted to move, but thought I would be homesick, I grew used to this place, I loved my family and friends, even if things were getting rough around the edges and I was losing respect for some.

When Advait talked about the people around there, though some were nice I kinda could see what he was talking about, I'd been to other places, it was why I wanted to move. However, now that I am somewhere else, I see the whole picture, Advait was right, the people and the place weren't good for me. Disregarding the other people involved it's like I moved from a field of negativity to one of positivity--well regarding the people involved too, but even if I was alone there and alone here, everything, every aspect is like negative vs. positive, the atmosphere, the strangers, the vitality, absolutely everything feels more positive here, it's hard to explain. I am, of course, more positive here, less prone to negative emotions, so one could claim that because of the situation I moved from and what I moved to, that is solely why it seems this way to me. I can tell you that partially, that is true, but not the whole truth. It's in the air here, I can feel it everywhere, the vibrations are just much more positive.

Now, you can't quote me on that if you start travelling near the bigger cities, I'm just telling you of my experience in this one area of New York state. I couldn't begin to describe New York City, or even Albany, I seriously doubt I would like it in either big city like that--not that I don't intend to visit now that I'm approx. 2 hours away from each, but I think it will probably be a one time visit that, while I might enjoy it, I probably won't go back to unless someone else wanted to see it too and wanted me to go with them (like a visiting relative, or Michael when he's older).

Well, it's nearly 1am here and everyone else (including the lazy cats) are in bed sleeping, I'd better go join them.

I've recently run acrossed a journal writing website though, so I'll probably start experimenting with its "spice up your journal" suggestions soon--just some of them were a little wierd for an entry that really needed to be just a regular report type entry since it'd been so long and so much had happened since my last one.

Ja ne!