Immortality Factor
Nov 28, 2005

I always here the saying that everybody thinks really bad things could never happen to them, until they do. These things have to happen to someone afterall, don't they? Hearing that, I wonder if I am the only parent (without a mental problem of some kind) who sometimes considers the worst, wonders what she would do if it comes to pass. Usually this happens in my down moments where I think, it could happen to me, my son could be kidnapped, killed by some other human, and a number of other nightmarish things that could happen to our children. What if I was one of those parents? I often cry in these moments and want nothing more than to either hold my son protectively through the night, in case something bad would come to pass soon (you always hear people say if such and such had been the last moment, they would have done this or that, that's what I have in mind on these moments) or to at least watch him sleep (it's almost always after he's asleep, wouldn't want to scare him with mommy suddenly crying for no apparent reason), occasionally petting his hair. It makes me feel better to see him and feel him. If I lay apart from him, I have a tendency to remember that as much as I love his hugs, if anything like that were to happen to him, he wouldn't be there to hug anymore, never again, I could feel warm in good moments, but never hug him again, it makes me want to hug him ferociously now (well, not enough to hurt or wake him). I don't think I could live with never hugging him again, never hearing his laughter and yet I know that, if it didn't happen, I would continue to live because I don't believe in suicide.

I'm just not sure what I would do, if I would keep my sanity if I lost him. It makes me wonder how on earth other parents, who have experienced this loss, do it. Last night was one of those nights, so it is still on my mind. In with those thoughts makes me wonder just what it takes to make the parent who could kill their children or harm them in anyway when I sit here worrying that mine will die from some unpreventable, random violent act of some kind. I've heard that parents worry, but is it natural to worry sometimes to the point of tears? I'm not overprotective as a result, I guide and I nurture but I also realize that I cannot do everything for him and keeping him in a bubble is no way to protect him. A little like Finding Nemo where Dory says "Huh, well that's strange, if you won't let anything happen to him then nothing would ever happen to him, not much fun for little Teeko (she means Nemo for those who haven't seen it) huh?"

Sorry, I'm getting tangentical. I've come to realize, especially lately, that I worry about this even more because nobody close to me has ever died. I have no idea what will happen when someone does. Everyone has to and it's only a matter of time. Does it ever get any easier anyway? Well, perhaps easy is the wrong word for it. Is it better to be more acquainted with death when it approaches home, or to never have really experienced before? I think, as much as I never want anyone I love or care about to die, I want to outlast them, but not out of selfishness. I want them all to have long, prosperous lives ahead of them, but I want mine to be longer. I would rather bare the burden of loss for everyone I care for myself than have them grieve for me, I wouldn't want to be the cause of so many bad feelings.

There is nothing like these dark thoughts, however, to help you restraighten your priorities from time to time. It's like going through a near-death experience each time without actually going through one. Opens my eyes a little wider to what I need to be doing versus what I am doing. It keeps me on a more emotionally prosperous path if I've strayed. I reassess my values and how I've been short changing important things in my life.

Last night was brought on by reading an article in Chicken Soup For the Writer's Soul in which a writer wrote about how his five-year-old had been shot when they were in Italy and they'd had his organs donated, starting a nice connection between peoples and setting a donor trend by their son saving thousands of lives through his death (by the subsequent increase his story brought in organ donations, not to mention the three or so dying hospital members that received his organs directly). My usual tactic is that there is no sense worrying about it until it happens, but occasionally, my brain can't help but stop to consider/worry about some things, especially when prompted.

Sorry this is so depressing.