Regretful Things
May 12, 2003

Something important has recently been called to my attention. It has to do with a past journal entry: "Pathetic" I believe was the title. While I could revise and update it, the damage has already been done. This is an entry attempting to explain, and fix some of that unintentional damage. While I realize that journals are personal things, and you really shouldn't structure them to keep from hurting others (which is why you should really think before giving the url to close friends and family), and so people should read at their discretion--while I realize that, I also don't care about that unsaid rule. I did not mean to hurt her, but I did. So, I'd like to publicly apologize to Domy-mommy, my writing mentor and attempt to explain what I meant when I said what I did.

This woman reads every bit of my work, and gives me good advice, and thorough crits to help improve it. She guides my writing, while giving me free roam, perhaps without even realizing she does so sometimes. When she pointed out my past sentence said erroneously, I almost cried, knowing how I would feel reading that.

This is what I said: "Don't get me wrong, I love crits, I really do, I love to get better at writing, and I don't want them to pull punches...but I have yet to get that avid reader really. Someone who supports me indefinitely, who pleads for the newest piece I've written."

This is what I meant and why I wrote what I said: I was thinking of the physical world around me in this journal entry, people I physically see from day to day, people who are supposed to support me because they are family or perhaps, say, my fiancé. While Domy doesn't beg for my next piece, she does support me, and I know she believes in me, and she is an avid reader (And I can't see right now cause I'm crying lol). My negativity was keeping me balancing the one person who has bad radar (he wants to cuddle whenever I want to write and takes the corresponding "no" personally as a result) with another family member who keeps hitting me over the head every time she sees me for not writing anything. My sight was narrowed in that entry, and I deeply apologize. Domynoe deserves to be in the "Dedicated to" section of my writing just as much as my sister, if not more for all the help and guidance she has given me.

I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry and regretful I am of saying what I did during a moment of narrowed vision. I am truly sorry.

It's Mother's Day?
May 11, 2003

Today was a weird day for one that is supposed to honor mother's like myself. I got to sleep in, but I was also up through the tornado watch just in case the night before. After the watch expired though, I had just moved Michael from downstairs in the basement with me while I was doing laundry, to the first floor. We caught the beginning of Back to the Future and neither one of us could sleep until we finished watching it (which I thought was pretty odd for a 19 mos old to be so involved in a non-kid movie that they can't drop off to sleep). We weren't in bed until 4am lol, so he lost 3 hours of sleep last night.

~Anyhow~That's why I got to sleep in--but the weird thing is that I didn't feel like it was mother's day. On my birthday and things like that, I expect to be spoiled and yada yada. I woke up, went downstairs and cooked pancakes for everyone. Doesn't sound like to big a feat? Well, keep in mind that cooking food here usually entails enough prepared for at least 6 people. The fiancé didn't want food, he wanted sleep (worked 3rd shift the night before), but the male roommate wanted 4 pancakes, I wanted only 1, and each of the kids had a full pancake a piece (for a total of 9 pancakes I had to cook to have enough to go around). But it didn't stop there. There wasn't really too much pancake mix left in the box, so I finished it up with another 7 pancakes!! Isn't someone else supposed to cook breakfast for the mother on mother's day? lol. No, but the weird part is that I wanted to do it.

Recently, laundry has piled up badly in the house, and the summer/spring vs. winter/fall clothes needed resituated (summer/spring was hanging downstairs in the basement, fall/winter upstairs in the bedroom closet--I only needed to switch them.). I did 5 loads of laundry (washed and dried), resituated the clothes, cleaned up a bunch of stuff I can't recall, played PSone for half an hour and then went to work until 9:30, and then went grocery shopping. I haven't had much of anything done for me today. But that's not what makes this day weird...what's weird about it, is that I didn't drudge through it all, grumpy because I had to do it. Oh no, instead, I did it, and I wanted to do it, in my own fashion. I wanted it done, I wanted to be the one to do it. The only thing that erked me today is that the fiancé stayed upstairs most of the day (even after he woke up). If our roles were reversed, and it was father's day, I'd have been making him sit down while I did the things he wanted done. But it was only a tiny irk.

I clean, I cook, but today was an unusual circumstance for me--doing all that housework because I wanted to, and on mother's day no less!

I got a new used PSone for mother's day.