Take me Away
Dec 15, 2003

Could someone just take me away from here? So very far away, just me and my son, never to return? I thought maybe three days by ourselves (just my son and I) would lighten the atmosphere when everyone else did return. Yeah, fat chance of that. Jason is still as grouchy with me and still as cynical. I'm being made to feel like the least favourite person in the house again and I'm tired of feeling that way. I have no car right now, my family thinks I should get away from here--or at least those who know about the way things are going between Jason and I. Money is so hard though, so very hard. Am I going to be able to take care of Michael on my own? Sure, Jason will still watch him when he's not working, but how am I going to deal with no car? I already know I can't make payments on one, at least not payments I can afford and then insurance on top of that.

I wonder how soon my cousin would want to find a place together? She was here a couple of days ago and we discussed it and she'd love to go half and half with me. The two of us have had to live in the same room before without much incidents, the same apartement would be fine I think. I would also lose my online capabilities for at least a little while. And how am I going to do school? We do need to get out of here, we really do. We're not being abused or anything but the enviroment is tearing me up and I know it will do damage to him too if he stays here. His father spent more money on his roommates' youngest than he did on his own! A Thomas the Train DVD from walmart $10 at the most. For the roommates' youngest it was a double present, one for both the baby and the mother--a graco playpen, which equals out to about $50 a piece on them. It makes me soooooo mad! Michael doesn't need to stick around and be subjected to that if Jason continues to do so up until the time Michael can understand he's being given up in favour of Jason's ideal family that he never had.

I'd like him to have that ideal family, but let's face it, we can't always stay here, he won't move, and WE'RE his REAL family dammit! We just aren't big enough I guess, he's already said multiple times that he isn't going to move and that I should move out. Like we can afford that. But I don't even care anymore, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of loving him and then him saying something to make me hate him the next moment. I'm tired of having an adult child on my hands and an older brother at the same time, because that's how he acts and treats me. I'm tired of trying for us, I just want to keep it at a sibling-like relationship and move on. I want out of this house so bad. Time to go see about food stamps, medical card, and how soon Nicki would like to move from my grandmother's. Is it too much to hope that everything will fall into place this time because it's what's meant to happen?