Hiatus?
Dec 29, 2003

I know, it's been a long time since my last entry anyway. Sorry. Life just never wants to smooth out for an extended period of time...say...like a full week at least. The fiancé and I have come to an understanding. We both realize that we love each other but we aren't in love. I believe we were fated to be together only to have our son and then we were not meant to stay together as we have been trying. We've been fighting so hard not to hurt the other's feelings about wanting to go our separate ways (just about that, there have been times where there is no fighting not to hurt just feelings, but about us both knowing we aren't meant to do this, that's what we were both avoiding, unsure if it would be a killing blow to the other). I think we are meant to have a relationship though, just not an intimate boyfriend/girlfriend fiancé lover type one. Our past, and what we've been to each other in past lives (suspend your disbelief for me on this one ^_~) speaks loudly and we've been fighting it instead of accepting it. We were meant to be close but not as lovers, but in the way of close siblings, we even act like siblings and the only reason we come out with hurt feelings over those actions we take is because we're not supposed to be siblings, we're not supposed to act like that to each other if we're lovers.

It's rather difficult to explain. Imagine if you will, how you treat your opposite sex sibling or how you've seen opposite sex siblings treat each other. They are constantly insulting each other, fighting to be the most noticed by whomever, and fighting a lot period, add onto that that they are insulting to each other even when they are being friendly (It's weird to be nice to your opposite sex sibling in the states anyway, christmas is okay, when you're older--like over 25--it's fine but you still don't tell them you love them, you can show it, just it's awkward for one of you to say it). Now, take your lover, you're supposed to be tender, you can tease but minimize your insults, in fact you shouldn't even fling them when you're fighting because whatever your lover says is going to hurt more than what a sibling might say, even if it is the same thing and then, when you have mutual friends, you get the feeling that you are competing in some ways to be most noticed by them (the friends) so you're not pushed to the background. You can take away the I love you awkwardness as we don't have that (we realize we love each other, and anymore when we say it, we mean it, we always have, just not in the way we pretended to each other for awhile). However, you are leaving all the insults and sibling rivalry crap between you and your lover and it just isn't healthy, trust me. And on reflection? Through all that we've been through, he really feels like a close, big brother to me. I feel like I'm living with an older brother. So though we may go our separate ways, we will never completely leave each other because we are already family, and it appears through past life recalls, that we have always been family in one form of another. Yes, this touches on the incest taboo of our culture and it's weird, and it is perhaps one reason why I don't like sex anymore lol.

Well, I suppose I've given everyone plenty of too much information to identify me as really bizarre so I'll go now. I have one more thing to say though, I may be on hiatus for awhile, my roommates are spending their savings faster than they'd like so they've decided to be rid of the internet as it is costing them $54 a month and I don't have the money yet to take over payments on it.

Ja ne~