Ugh and Yay (Living life in a paradox)
Jan 29, 2004

I'm excited. It's just what I need. I'll be going on hiatus for awhile until I can become internet savvy again at home. I'm moving back in with my mom. My mom and I have always been able to get along, and I'll be helping her out financially a little, plus it'll be easier for her to give me rides and she already said she would transport me if I got a job so I can go out and get a job again ^_^ I'm moving out this weekend. I'm happy about it. Jason doesn't want me to now but I'm tired of living somewhere where, even though everyone is mostly friendly toward me, the atmosphere about them makes me feel like things would be so much better if my son and I just left. I know I have problems to work on but people acting like I do and THEY DON'T is just not good for me.

I hate when people act like I'm the only one with problems, or others are the only one with problems. Jason said he didn't want me to move in with my mom because then I wouldn't be responsible for any bills and I won't learn anything. Like I'm the only person that has something to learn? Oh, he says, but you haven't kept a steady job since we met. Oh, unlike him, who's not tried hard enough to get out of the same dead end deadbeat job he hates but stays, makes little effort and complains about it all the time. And anyway, the only reasons why I've been unemployed were after a year of working at Steak-n-Shake I had to go on maternity leave because my stomach was too big to do my job at all anymore and then I was breast feeding and I went back to work as a tutor but it wasn't enough and summer hit so I went back to steak-n-shake and then I thought I could better my lot and hours, etc because another restaurant promised me better hours and I got lied to and wasn't willing to sacrifice my ENTIRE Thanksgiving Day for a job that's done nothing but lied to me and only given me 3 days a week tops which is LESS than what I was getting at Steak-n-Shake when you get into the hours department. Before that even we had lost our car and it was hard enough for both of us to find rides to work, how the hell am I supposed to get another job?

All of that is besides the point, the point is I know what I have to work on mainly, but every time I make the effort I get a defeatist attitude from him. "I won't learn my lesson" oh geez thanks for giving me hope asshole. And here I am planning to get on public aid, getting a job in a week, moving already, going to pay my mother rent, plan to be the lead housecleaner (which will be a breeze compared to trying to clean up after 8 other people), and once I've got that evened out getting into other bills, not to mention I will be paying for my own groceries too.

And now, my roommate tells me she has things she wants to tell me but she's not going to say them until I've moved out, because she's my friend and after she says these things I'm going to hate her and it's easier for people to hate each other when they aren't faced with each other every day. I already know what she's going to say to me. I know how she feels about my personal flaws. I don't need it. She can keep her goddamn opinion to herself, and her advice too. She's got personal flaws too--one of them being she thinks she's always right and always the best and etc etc etc her kids are being raised right, I'm doing it all wrong (mind her kids are 5,6, and 7, not old enough yet to see if she raised them right, and besides they're just as bad as any other kid and mine is two right now so that's no room to judge). I know my flaws. I need to move to so I can try to work on them without being surrounded by the constant feeling that everyone knows my flaws and doesn't think I can do better, or thinks I will fail. I DON'T NEED THAT! I don't want to know what she has to say. I don't want her advice. She may be my elder but you have to draw the limit sometimes to how much they think they know and whether it's all right or not. No one seems to see that I'm going to school. I'm just the lazy person who sits around the house and isn't going anywhere. Yes, I'm lazy and I need to work on that, but it's like they don't even register that school is work, that it's a good thing that I'm going back to school. I don't need to live around that.

I whine too much
I complain too much
I don't punish my son enough
I don't force my son to say things before I'll give them to him
I baby my son too much
I sleep with my son when he should have his own bed
I'm too lazy and I'm the only one without a job
I have no motivation
I'm not reliable
^Everytime I say I'm going to do something I end up not doing it
I eat too much
I'm on the computer too much
I don't pay enough attention to my son
I'm a general overall pain in the ass
I'm a nag
I need to grow up
I'm selfish
I sniffle all the time when I should just go blow my goddamn nose

Where is my self confidence? When did I lose it? And in the absence of it, how does it make the above any easier to change? Depression makes all of those things worse. I know what's good for me, I know what's good for my life to make the changes I desire, and listening to people tell me things that I already know are wrong is NOT the way I'm going to get there. Before I can do anything I need to rebuild my self esteem. And being the least favoured person, next to my own son in a house of 8 other people who also have problems that are just as bad, habits that are just as annoying is not going to get me there. I've changed. I don't like my changes, I don't like myself anymore. I don't want to have anyone to nag anymore (I have to punish but not really nag Michael, just his daddy), I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to be depressed, and I don't want to be plump. The last is not because I hold some ideal of a model figure but because I don't like not being in shape, it really h as nothing to do with figure just more with health. And here, I can't even do anything about that because the times I have to do yoga are when the male roommate is awake, stares at me and laughs because I look funny *growls*

Fuck 'em all (except the kids) right now, that's what I say. They just don't get it. Even when I try to change, I stop complaining as much for instance, no one notices, they have this preconceived notion of me. I didn't complain once for an entire month (out loud anyway), I kept track, did anyone notice? No. I kept getting from the male roommate anytime I said anything to him "You're what hurts?" Makes you just want to smack him. Why bother? They won't see it. There will always be something wrong with me. And as long as Jason stays with them too, he will always agree with them.

I don't think Dawn can tell me anything to make me hate her, we are friends after all, but I know I'll cry, and I know I'll be mad because I can't help but cry, and because I'm mad I'll cry some more because I'm too damn sensitive, hell, her telling me she had something to tell me that might make me hate her made me cry as it is from all those above reasons. She's going to tell me, no matter if I tell her not to or not because she feels obliged to throw in her opinion about it. I wonder if I could convince her to put it in a letter, that way I don't have to cry in front of anyone?

Change is good and I am a creature of it.