Good thing I like change
Jun 16, 2004

Just not sure if I like it so soon after I started getting comfortable and making plans. Due to the problem with my brother, my mom has decided she will be moving out of town with my brother when he gets out. Where to I cannot tell you, just in case this entry falls into the wrong hands, but it is far from here and nearby a university I was considering for my further education. However, my mom is considering making that move August this year. I will be at the local community college until May of next year and I will be at my job at LCN until May of next year as well (I won't be able to work here past that because half of the pay for my position is supplied through a grant only DACC student can get). So, going with my mom and commuting is out of the question, I would make as much money at work as it would cost in gas to drive back and forth, that's not even counting the days my mom needs the car. So, at least for now, I need to probably find a new place to live. I think my cousin Nicki and I have something that sounds really pleasant worked out (we lived together with her mother and little brother before and other than hormonal moments that were fairly mild, we got along really well) my only problem now is that I don't have a car and Danville's bus system seems impossibly complicated. Also, if I got a car, I wouldn't be able to afford insurance and all the new bills. Essentially, to upgrade my cousin's 1 year lease that ends in April to a 2 room apartment in the same complex (which they will probably let her do since she will still be there and be giving them more money to top it off) it will cost an extra $100/mo. altogether, counting groceries, electricity, and basic utilities, we are looking at a lump sum of $300/mo. to live together which is really good I think, that would make her current living costs cheaper, mine more expensive but still doable, I just need to figure out this apparently complicated bus thing.

Furthermore, I have other plans being disrupted by financial planning. Right now, I am fine with my sister watching my son for free and so is she, but when it's time for me to go to a university I can't afford to commute, I won't leave my son, and I can't afford a babysitter nor do I want to hire a babysitter I can't absolutely trust because I've known them for years. This has brought me to wondering if I should take prereqs to get into Lakeview (where I work) I have recently come to realize that they do bachelor's in mental health nursing, and mental health practice is something I've always been interested in, I just never thought of the nursing direction because I don't think I could deal with the bodily waste, the cadavers, the cutting things up and all the gruesome physical details.

You know what though? Writing out these plans, at least the ones with my cousin Nicki, don't seem all that hard now that I've written them down. And who knows, perhaps I can get foodstamps to cut back on $100 of my monthly bill. I would only live a 30 min walk from LCN (my job) and my sister has told me if I do this she could pick Michael up for me and since the college is so close to her way home she would likely at least drop me off that 15 min. walk from the corner on her way back home from picking up Michael. This might just work.

On the other hand, the plans with Advait might not work. I still want to learn meditation and all that he might teach me, I'm determined about that, but I'm not so sure about the rest of the possibilities anymore. I've always wanted to be one of those serene people that wows everyone they meet with their grace and serenity, but I also like my corny sense of humor, and kitty-like playfulness. He's really into a life of peace, and while peace is nice, I still need humor and playfulness in my life. Life is serious, but it doesn't have to be totally serious to deal with it correctly. In fact, I still ascribe to take life seriously but with a playful humorous angle that keeps it livable.

I was caught off balance when we first began to talk because he understood the part of me that everyone has always made fun of or told me I was silly, dumb, too much of a dreamer, and sometimes crazy because of it, not even my own mother understands this side of me and what it feels like. To have understanding in that area instead of ridicule, doubt, and irritation was so much of a change it made me cry. Although I still feel a blush when I think of all those silly things I told him I feel and believe that I've never been able to clearly put word for word the way I actually feel and not be looked at like I was nuts. I do think he understands and feels the opposite about what I told him than most everyone else in my life has.

You want an example? Okay, I talk to trees and my cat, and they talk back. Well, my cat sends pictures (but not lately, she's stopped talking to me since we left Dawn and Brian's but I think that's only because now she has her every need taking care of--mostly including more space than one little room where she's mostly by herself) and the trees mainly communicate with feelings. I've become the forest before, I've seen a future daughter in dreams and she will happen to be the reincarnation of a cat I haven't seen since I was 16 and still cry over missing her from time to time. I wonder what she's doing, is she still alive, did the people she end up with turn out to be a good experience. She was my daughter in Benton and my best friend and I worry over her like a mother of a kidnapped child would--if I had any choice in the matter at the time, she would have come back up north with me no matter what. I haven't told him that, but that's just a little peek into the things no one seems to understand about me, no one seems to take them seriously and they make me feel silly for taking them seriously. I also put them in matter of fact ways because I'm not trying to convince you they are true, I am trying to help you see why others would not understand, ridicule or step on my inner beliefs and my spiritual experiences.

However, I don't think he will understand the side of me everyone else sees, my silly, playful, hard to be serious side that likes change and variety. I just met him so I don't know but I hope he doesn't take the opinion that these parts of me are things that enlightenment will cure so I can be a perfect serene being. A little more serenity would be nice, a lot more compassion would be nice, but I don't want it to come at the cost of a good sense of humor and my playfulness, and I don't think it should have to. Not to mention a two-year-old who is permanently (and happily) by my side is not much for preserving the peace lol.

Just current thoughts. I would still like to visit California next year at least, but I think he's too hopeful thinking I can move there so soon, I think I won't be ready for that kind of life for another 10 years. However, I still want to learn what he has to teach me, even if I don't follow it exactly as he does. We all have our own paths but that doesn't mean we don't need teachers to further our progress ^_^

I keep wondering if I should start a commercial site offering tarot readings for some extra cash before I don't have the extra cash to start it up when I move. Anyone want to email me at ethereal_dragonfly@yahoo.com and tell me if they think $10 for a pretty good tarot reading would probably do well enough to bother with all the charges to get a new journal for a commercial website, pay commercial website fees and all that? Or maybe at first I should charge the regular $20 per reading until I make my money back? I've also been considering tinkering with making personalized wooden flutes. No, I'm not trying to make a hidden add here, I really actually just kind of want a vote on what people think. If it were successful it could really help me get out on my own which I've been wanting to do for awhile and I could guide others at the same time (my readings are long and I have to refer to books still to get everything straight, but at least they are pretty darn accurate and I make sure to stress the issue of guidance and advice not this is what you need to do and this is what will happen part of it). I actually kind of hate charging for spiritual guidance, but it is one way I could get that extra support I need for my son and I. E-mail me too if you just want to discuss it, to get more info on why I might do this before you vote yay or nay lol. Maybe someday I could drop my commercial website and start giving them for free because I have enough for all the necessary bills in life (note I said necessary not frivolous but I want it bills lol). We'll just have to see where my path leads me I guess.

Ja ne!

--Saronai