A place of my own...
Jun 26, 2005

It sounds so nice. I need to get out of here. I NEED a job, now, I need money now so I can move Michael and I out of here. I love my sister dearly, and she tries to make it so nice for me here but I'm sick to death of being subject to my brother-in-law's babyish tantrums and (nearly constant) foul moods where he thinks he not only has to yell at the top of his lungs about everything but throw many choice curse words in there too. He treats NO ONE with respect and he scares the kids when he's like that. I need to get Michael away from that, badly. You don't know how badly. Granted, my sister can be a nag, but the moment she says anything he's flying off the handle at the top of his lungs shouting curse words and insults, getting in her face half the time yelling. I'm so tired of all the malicious yelling, all the negativity around here. Always negativity crushing my optimistic spirit. That's why I want my *own* place. If anyone disrupts it, I can ask them to leave, and if they don't, I can call the police. Please someone out there hire me! I work hard, I try always to best my own output, ever working on perfecting my job and I NEED money to get out of here so I can be myself and not subject to all this. I get paid to deal with customers like my-brother-in-law, so it's easier to deal with, but this constant, everyday occurence is really getting to me. Most of the time I don't become a target for the yelling onslaught, but today I did.

My sister cooked my favourite meal (a perk living here since I can't cook and she can). She complained to my brother-in-law to leave some for the rest of us and his tirade began. He started yelling and shouting about how he makes all the money, but that's okay, he won't eat, he'll starve and he begins plucking chunks of meat off his plate and tossing them back into the crockpot (from about five feet away), the second one missed and as he stomped off I just *had* to mutter to myself "Well, there goes a wasted piece" which was meant for no one in particular and was actually a comment about the fight in general and not aimed specifically at either them. What do I get in return "SHUT THE F*** UP LAURA NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR F****** IMPUT GO F*** YOURSELF!" I'm rather surprised he didn't add B**** in there like he usually does (or maybe he did while I was in ignore mode to keep my temper checked). When I came in there my niece was already crying because of all the yelling. Then he turns his tirade back to my sister and back and forth between us and I just couldn't stand it and, in order to be heard (which is rather pointless when he's like this, why do I never realize he's not listening?) I had to raise my voice and say "you don't have to jump all over me, why don't you grow up, you're scaring the kids! It's just food! I get so tired of you yelling at the top of your lungs about EVERYTHING like a little child throwing a tantrum!" I don't remember what was shouted back and forth after that, only that I was trying to defend myself and wake him back up to reality. I gave up, shaking angry and opened my bedroom door (after getting Michael moved into the bedroom to eat supper there) I happened to catch him out of the corner of my eye, with a metal chair raised above his head while he was still yelling and cursing. I turned around and saw both of my nieces in the path between us and marched up to get a foot away from him. He had lowered the chair by then and was still yelling. I was hopping mad again though and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, "If you want to throw a metal chair at me asshole pick it up right now and throw it while your daughters aren't where they can get hurt!" He stopped for awhile "Go ahead! Throw it at me! Now, not while my back is turned and your kids are inbetween us!" (It should be added that he's gotten better, before, if it had been my sister, she'd have been hit, and he might've actually thrown the chair at me while my back was turned, too much of a coward to hurt me while I'm in his face unafraid.)

"I wouldn't have hit them" he says with a sweetly sarcastic smile "Trust me, if I'd have thrown it, it would have hit you and only you."

That really made me mad all over again and I said "Real mature of you, real grown up, throw things at people like a big bully. Can't threaten me to my face while I'm only a foot away. Go ahead, hit me, throw something at me! I dare you! You might as well! Do you realize how stupid that is! GROW UP! YOU YOU CHILD!"

"I'm the f****** child?! You're not a f****** adult! You can't even get your son to f****** listen to you! Oh! But you're such an adult!"

Really? "Ooooooh, but I can get him to listen to me a lot better than you can get your kids to listen to you! In fact, I can get your kids to listen to me a hellofa lot better than they listen to you and you know it!" I stomped off while he's still yelling and slammed my bedroom door (Of course he dropped that particular line after my comment about how his kids listen to him, he thinks a little more clearer after we have a literal stand-off--vs. the object of his tirade cowering in fear, he may still fight, but he knows when he's lost particular lines of the argument and will drop them).

The nerve! I wish he'd been listening to himself. Yelling things like my sister and I were yelling at him first he didn't lose his temper, "Oh, I'm sorry, you and your sister don't yell, you just talk loudly, I'm the one always yelling!" Yes, he is. Granted, sometimes we get really fed up with all the yelling he does and we yell back, so we can be heard instead of just yelled at (and trust me, even when neither of us yells, even when we're quiet and say nothing during his tirades, if he's mad at you, he's gonna keep yelling at the top of his lungs, cussing you out and calling you names). However, normally, someone says something in a normal tone of voice and he gets going on a tirade. Yet, we were yelling at him first (keep in mind please that he was already yelling loud enough for two blocks over to hear him when I came out of my room). I was rather surprised he heard my targetless mutterings. He needs anger management and some meds! BADLY BADLY BADLY he has a warped, very warped sense of what's going on when he's angry. For instance, sure, he has perfect aim and the chair would have hit me (That's sarcasm, it is likely, but according to him, he's perfect at everything, knows everything--no, I'm serious, he really acts like he does, he has that whole superiority complex going on that I suspect hides an equally large inferiority complex). I would have fallen, possibly unconscious and the youngest niece who was a little over a foot away directly in front of me (well behind me at the time)? Do you suppose she had an invisible force field around her that would have kept the chair from falling on her or bouncing off of me and hitting her from the force or something similar? He doesn't think about this. I wanted to continue that strain by bringing that up, but it would have taken too many words to express and I thought none of them would be listened to (but then he seemed to hear my retort about how his kids listen to him 'cause he shut up about that). Even still, I probably would have gotten something like "No it wouldn't" without a reason why, just because he knows everything and he would have thrown it so that it hit me and curved away from her or something. HE NEEDS HELP! I NEED OUT OF HERE! MY SON NEEDS OUT OF HERE! MY SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEW NEED AWAY FROM HIM UNTIL HE CAN GROW UP AND GET SOME HELP!

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but when you're the target of his anger, you lose the argument either way, no matter what, and sometimes you just get tired of taking it all in stride, plus, as I said, he keeps going whether you're talking or not, so it becomes difficult to ignore him. I need to quit leaving it in everyone else's hands. I need to gain control of myself. Why stoop to the level of someone who is not going to listen to you defend yourself? It's time for a little mana manipulation around here. It's time I crack down on my spirituality and uncover strength to make the energy in this entire house a little better. It's going to take a LOT of mana to deflect his anger. I need to start by channeling the energy I use for anger, aggravation and irritation into strengthening my spirit against it, deflecting it, and morphing it, instead of amplifying it. I need to do more research. I need to help clean more now that I don't have a job. This house needs some purification. My spirit needs some purification. I need to learn to not allow myself to be angry about it all just because I'm entitled to. The excuse "Who wouldn't be angry, who wouldn't lose their temper too?" is no longer allowed to work. I'm not saying I should bottle up my emotions, I need to quit doing that too. I'm saying that getting angry about all of this serves no purpose, it only makes him worse, it doesn't get me listened to either way and it wastes my time, energy, and peace of mind. It just makes things worse. I need to begin to practice transforming my energy, transforming the energy I receive and building an empathy shield so I'm not so receptive to the negative waves tossed around here so flippantly. Work on myself, then move outward.

Yes! I know that may sound like a bunch of spiritual rambling to some of you, but it has given me a goal to strive for and I'm no longer holding Yin (my cat) chanting I want to move I want to move I wanna move I wanna move I wanna move while sobbing my eyes out and soaking her silky black fur. Sorry Yin ^^"

PS He's still ranting in there. Apparently F*** is his favourite curseword, I hate it, I may say the others (B**** is one I don't say often either and usually it's in the verb sense instead of the adjective sense, rarely, but I say the F word even less often), though I'm working on using them less in everyday speech (I do not use them in the school or work setting at all, too unprofessional). Let me put it this way, I hate censoring, but I feel the need to censor the usage of those two words on my website. Especially when the situation requires saying them so often ^^"

*sighs* I feel better now that I've made a goal out of this. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger! BTW, my brother-in-law will still need help with his problem no matter how peaceful I end up making the energy in the house, I don't think it would be enough. Don't get me wrong, I still want to move out on my own (with Michael of course) but now I have something to keep me sane until that is possible. This particular occurence has been building up for days in the house as my brother-in-law gets grouchier and yelling more often about every little thing, the yelling getting increasingly malevolent and occuring more often. I don't sink to his level all the time, only about once every month or less when I just can't take it anymore and most of the time I lose it because of the kids (he doesn't care at all what he's doing to them, what he's teaching them, what he's teaching *my* son).