Under the Weather
Jan 13, 2006

For awhile now I've either been plagued with allergies, wierd moments where my breath suddenly gets wheezy and usually leaves me exhausted (possiblity that some kind of allergen in my new atmosphere is kicking off a little asthma? I don't know), or just being sick. Today was a good day though, I was plagued with nothing but a slightly stuffy nose and a small headache. I feel healthy and had my sunny disposition back yay! Which is why I'm suddenly more active today, I've been able to do things today that I haven't done (and felt good while doing it) in weeks! Including updating my webpage and writing. Pretty much everything but my home life (family and living things--plants, cats) has taken a back burner and even some days I'm too sick to do much more than take care of basic needs of a little attention to my loved ones, and feeding, changing, basic childcare for my son, my free time taken up by playing video games or watching tv but nothing more mentally active (I tend to be more pessimistic during such times and don't want to spread it around). Hopefully today is just the first good day (health wise) of many to come before I get sick or allergy ridden again (everything else has been wonderful, even beautiful so far, so I'm not sorry I moved at all).

I hope my online friends will forgive me for suddenly being so scarce for so long but I just couldn't get my brain to want to think beyond the exhaustion and sickness/allergies etc to do anything more complicated than zoning out in front of a video game or movie unless it was necessary (like basic childcare for my son) and in my brief free moments between allergies and such, my brain was still exhausted from the times before. I really think it must be the change in atmosphere, I hope I get used to it. We should be getting the carpet replaced soon anyway, so that will help. I normally get all wheezy when I get down on my knees to vaccuum the carpet with the hose part, I think I'm stirring up something that sets off an allergic asthmatic reaction (never had asthma before but it's usually followed by a lot of coughing, which I've heard is a sign of asthma, especially asthma with triggered by allergens).

Anyway, thought I'd give my small reading audience a notice that I'm not dead or depressed. Everything is still great even though I'm sick. No offense to those that I cared about in the Danville area, but I'd rather be sick/allergy ridden here than healthy and allergy free there.

I am discovering that I really really need to find a way to bring in income. My fiancé doesn't mind at all that he's the only one bringing it in and insists that I do have a full time job keeping up the house and taking care of Michael, but I still want to help bring in money. I planned to start writing more, turn it into a job and that sank into a hole with allergies and health. Maybe I can start working on it now? Well, I did write today, and even though I felt in a very blah I don't want to do anything at all, I don't even want to not do anything at all I feel so cruddy mood yesterday, I still felt a rekindling of my desire to write, and I believe I actually wrote two sentences that day (creatively), mostly, I wanted to revise the shorts I feel are closest to being ready for the market, but I also reeeeeeeeally didn't want to sit in my computer chair at my computer desk (which I had no choice but to do if I wanted to work on revisions for those). I can't wait to get a couch, a nice comfy one, sometimes I feel really uncomfortable having to sit in the same chair all the time, as comfortable as it is, it's still a chair, I can't wait to get a couch that I can not only snuggle on when watching movies, but I can also stretch out on and still be comfortable while reading, watching movies, writing, etc, reclining on the bed while doing those things only makes me sleepy, plus, I can't do it once my son goes to bed, because we're all sharing a room right now. Once we get the carpet replaced, we're going to move the furniture to where we really want it. Our computers and computer desks/tables are going into the bedroom with our bed and the nice-sized section of the living room the computer desks are in will be sectioned off from the rest of the living room so Michael can have his own room. Before the carpet can be replaced, we need to go by the storage unit to get the Christmas tree box so the Christmas tree and decorations can be packed up and put back in the storage unit. We also need to clean up and organize around here (it's a little messy from all of us feeling under the weather--well, Michael, my son, only felt under the weather for two days last weekend thankfully) so that things can be easily moved when the measuring and carpet crew get here.

I know, this is a boring entry. I guess all I can say is that I don't always write in this to entertain, sometimes I write in it to sort out my own thoughts and just ramble until I'm satisfied.

By the way, in case anyone still reading this has yet to figure it out, my main writing page, MuseSings (which can be found by clicking on the "Words" link on this page), has a secret link back to Intimacy, it's very small and only on the splash, "current" page. I did that because I was tired of only connecting it one way, but I still wanted to keep things separate so I didn't have to give some people a link to the journal part of my website if I didn't want them reading it. I guess now that I have Chorus connected to my writing site though that I might as well connect the whole thing. Part of the reason that I separated the two was so I could keep my family from finding out that I didn't share their religious views. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, which is why I didn't want them knowing I didn't share their opinion, because then all the fun times with them would turn into religious lectures and black sheep accusations. I don't lie about my spiritual beliefs, but I don't wish to replace fun get togethers with spiritual debates in which anything I have to say in defense of my beliefs is either spoken over by theirs, or goes in one ear and out the other if they make the appearance of pausing to listen. Not all of my family is like this, and they are the ones I actually talk to about this. I like to have intellectual debates, but only if my views are considered as I consider others and I definitely have no wish to replace all of my happy family get togethers with spiritual debates and pity for my soul and my son's soul.

Well, I guess whatever family members I don't want knowing will know if they go onto Chorus from Muse Sings because Chorus is my spiritual page, so I might dispense the whole mysterious connection. Muse Sings started off as my main page anyway, but I usually put down the link to intimacy because you can get to all my other pages from here. Plus, I find myself not enjoying family get-togethers as much as I used to. I guess it might have something to do with my Grandmother telling me the homeless shelter had AC when I said I wanted to talk to my cousin to see if I could stay with her while we had no power in the summer (and thus no fans) because Michael had a bad heat rash and should probably be in a cooler enviroment. And my mother writing me a letter during some sort of anxiety attack in which she told me what I was teaching my son was worse than anything my brother has ever done (drugs, being extremely rude and desrespectful to my mother, underage drinking, Class A felony before he was of age for it to remain on his permanent record--drug related) because what I was doing was sure to not only condemn my soul to hell but my son's as well and that god said if I don't quit playing games (I hate games and was VERY tired of them at the time) he would take Michael away from all of us. Turns out this whole thing was connected to a sermon she heard at church and the fact that I like to collect fairies, have an affinity toward Tolkienish elves and read Harry Potter to my son and had nothing at all to do with spirituality, and I suspect it also had a lot to do with the medicine she was on for her chrones at the time which has a side effect of causing anxiety attacks in her. I guess I've been too dodgy about what I really believe and so they're all assuming the worst (which the worst--wicca, or being a witch--isn't as bad as they think anyway) when it's actually not as bad as all that. In fact, I believe it's much better than what a lot of them believe, or do rather, which is to follow Christianity mindlessly and let other humans make their decisions for them on behalf of God instead of having a relationship with the divine directly. Second-hand information and instruction is not usually the best thing to base your actions off of. I try not to go to church, but not because I think it's bad, or I'm afriad, or whatever, but because I'm still trying to discover my spirituality, read ancient texts for myself, meditate on my own (pray, whatever you want to call it), gather my own information and connect to the divine (God or whatever) in a personal way and not through a preacher or some other middle man/woman. I don't want to be influenced by other humans who insist I must do this or that to get this or that. I don't like the absolute tone that churchs take as though they really are God and you can't get to the divine in any other way but to go to them and do everything THEY say. Reading books, the Bible included, makes the whole thing a lot more neutral and a lot less controlling than learning from a preacher. If I ever find a church that's open to intellectual debates and discussion groups that totally replace the "It's my way or the high way because I'm the preacher of this group and thus a (wo)man of God" I dislike the approach of teacher and students that churches take. The preacher may be a teacher, but s/he's a teacher for the way s/he interacts with god, not the way you should interact with the divine. I am not sure enough in the way I feel spiritually that I can go and listen to other humans tell me that THIS is the way it is praise the lord! And I don't get an opportunity to ask, well what if it's this way instead? I feel it's this way for me and the divine, not that way, couldn't that be alright? Shouldn't we all take our own paths to the divine instead of copying your route rule by rule, and step by step? Not to mention, if you were to ask such questions in any church I've been in, the most you'd get is a good-natured smile that's meant to convey god's love but really just looks like they're humoring your scepticism and give you an answer that isn't an answer at all, like you're dumb and just don't get it, or they repeat key points of the sermon as though you might have missed something which shows that they really either didn't listen to what you were really asking or wondering if you just didn't hear them on their microphone. Occasionally I've gotten responses that are COMPLETELY off-subject as though they were the answer that I've been seeking. If we don't question what we think is God then we are disobeying one of the things written in the Bible, question the spirits to determine their intent and their source. I believe the divine wants us to think about things deeply, thoroughly explore our spirituality and not just follow blindly on faith. If you follow blindly on faith, how will you really know when you're following a wolf in sheep's clothing? Think about inconsistencies, think about everything you read and hear, test your faith as the divine is said to test everyone's faith, in the end, after, with an open mind things have been thoroughly explored in your faith, if it doesn't all come together, feel right, and make sense, then why should you believe? If it's worth believing in, it will withstand any test, even and especially when approached objectively (and I don't necessarily mean scientifically either).

Okay, I'm done with my musings for now.

Ja ne~
--Saronai