Never Give Up
Mar 16, 2006

Asthma-like symptoms, allergies, an under-the-weather feeling caused by a little winter, low-light blues. I was a little sad once midnight rolled around tonight. I've done absolutely nothing these last two days. Granted, I had a bad asthma-like attack yesterday that left me feeling shot today, but my conscience will not allow me any excuse. I want to abolish this lazy side of me, it stands in the way of my goals, of my hopes for, not only myself, but for Michael as well. I'd say Delos too, but he's a grown up, and we're not having any relationship problems. However, after writing an entry in Muse Sings, I feel a little better. I set the alarm for 9am, and by God I WILL get up then, even if it means an early bedtime tomorrow. I will do the things around the house that NEED to be done. I WILL write and I will do it even if I'm tired, groggy, or asthma/allergy ridden.

I've realized the thing I hate more than failing, or not yet making it to where I want to be (figuratively or literally) is knowing I didn't even try today, I let one precious day slip by where I did nothing at all and I'll never get it back. I don't like that feeling and I'm hoping this rediscovery of the shortness of life will be the motivation I need to push on and get back on my feet. To start really living life here in New York. I've been happier here than I've been in years. I was very blessed to meet Delos, as was Michael and for us to come to this exceedingly better enviroment to be with him. However, I think a part of me might have gone on strike, I'm not sure why, I don't think it was missing home persay though it might have been both that (the good elements of home) and a fear that if I let this become to close to reality it would all poof away like a good dream and I'd be back in nightmare land again. As if I were afraid if I truly let myself wake up here that I would discover that I woke up back in Danville and this were all a dream. Yes, I'm more certain that's what it is.

I've even been having nightmares that Michael and I are stuck back in Danville, both of us miserable away from Delos and we have to wait a certain length of time before we can rejoin him. I would love for my family to come visit me here, but I'm not sure when I'll ever want to go back there now that I think on it. After all the nightmarish dreams of getting stuck there apart from Michael's and my new happier life, it may feel like I'm entering a trap and the nightmares will become reality for us somehow.

This is not a dream, it is reality, and I need to start letting myself wake up without fear that it will dissipate like so much dream mist. I need to refocus, pick back up on my goals and dreams. They took a hit, but knowing that I'll never give up is an achievement in itself that makes all the failures along the way worth it. After all, even if I fail at everything else, I have the comfort that I still achieved one goal, the goal to persevere, the goal to keep believing, even if it never happens. I think never giving up is something to be proud of.