Rebecca swallowed the threatening tears as she stood on the stage before the congregation. Finally, after six prolonged years in the STARs program, she was graduating. She'd read the entire Bible, memorized several verses, listened to many lectures, attended several classes learning the qualities in a good christian woman. Women like Susanna, Tabitha (Dorcus), Anna, and Ruth, whom the program got its name from. Her inch-thick work book was completed, and the reward for it all had finally come.

She gave nervous looks to the other five girls she was graduating with from her spot to the very right of the stage. All of them were younger than she was, something that might have embarassed another girl, but it was a small source of joy in Rebecca. It was not her fault she'd been in the program 2 years more than it should have lasted. Her first year their teacher wasn't really sure on what to do, and so they just had a regular class, learning of their religion and the Bible, reading the required chapters in the Good Book. It wasn't enough in the end and everyone in that class had to repeat the step more officially the next year. Everyone in her class had eventually left the church, leaving her behind. When she was supposed to have graduated to Anna, the program was taken over by a different woman and she decided that our teachers hadn't been as thorough as the program demanded, so she put everybody back a year. But Rebecca stuck with the program, showing great vigilance and determination.

You might even say she was proud. A rare thing for this shy, studious girl to feel, most times she was entirely too humble and easy to push around. There was just one thing that choked her up, depressing her on a night that should have been filled with elated feelings of joy and accomplishment. Her father was not here, nor had he shown any notice of her pleas for him to come see the graduation. It wasn't that he didn't love her, he just didn't realize the importance a church graduation held for her, it wasn't worth a two hour drive to him. A few tears fell down her cheeks and for a moment Rebecca fought to keep her ache hidden.

All of the girls stood in evening gowns of various pale colors, their dressed up as though they were going to prom. Rebecca found some cheer in looking at her younger cousin on the opposite end. They were both wearing the exact same dress, a white, sleek dress with short sleeves and silver floral netting covering the white of the top part. They hadn't even planned it, neither had known until they arrived at practice the day before (Rebecca was late, she had overslept). The leader decided to place them on either end as a kind of pattern.

"And now some of the girls will display for you the talents they have to offer the Lord." Jane, their leader, was saying.

Rebecca felt confused at first. She hadn't heard of this part...she would have loved to sing--it was her favourite thing. She felt slightly hurt as each girl stepped forth to offer their talents to God. Her cousin sang, one of the girls played a flute, two did a duet, leaving Rebecca and the youngest apparently talentless. Rebecca mentally shrugged. Perhaps I missed that at the beginning of practice... But she doubted that even as she thought it, practice wouldn't have been enough time to prepare.

The ceremony continued as pins for accomplishments were offered, things were said, memorizations were quoted, oaths to the church and its beliefs sworn. Then Karen, their teacher for the last step, came forward and took the microphone from Jane.

"I spoke with the Lord last night about these six wonderful girls."

Rebecca felt herself warmly glowing with deep affection and respect, Karen had been her favourite teacher.

"And I've realized that I have gotten to know these girls, while some of you do not. But there are qualities in them that one might relate to the Bible." Rebecca grinned, she had no idea that Karen was going to tell the church what Biblical character had influence over them. She was quite happy with being related to "Joseph the Dreamer" even if she was the only one related to a male figure. Karen went through the other girls. Honoring each with a great name from the Bible that they reflect. The line ended with her but when it came to Rebecca's turn, the ceremony simply continued, leaving her unnamed. Left out. This oversight stung her and the tears repressed poured down her face silently. Her face was red and Rebecca hoped that the audience would assume that it was just the tears of joy that were usually sighted on Honor Star graduations. She was being silly, it was just a name, she was always too sensitive. Her heart knotted at the thought of it and no matter how hard she tried to concentrate on the joy of finally making it, the feelings of hurt never left.

In fact, they intensified. The reading badge came along, a badge given to honor the girls for reading the entire bible throughout the steps. Two weeks earlier, Rebecca had gone to Jane and Karen to tell them that she wanted a copy of the chapters of the Bible that were required for the first step, as she wasn't entirely certain they had read them right.

"Did you read them right?" Jane had asked.

"Well, I don't know. It was so long ago, and there were a lot of things we didn't do right. I just want to be sure that I've read the required chapters before the graduation."

"We can't split up the book, Becca." Karen put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure you did it right."

"I can't just copy down the chapters page from a book?"

Jane shook her head. "It's ok, I'm sure you've read them at other times."

The memory faded away as everyone got a badge but her. Tears flowed again. Rebecca never got that page, but she had read every chapter before the ones mentioned in Tabitha, making sure she'd read them anyway, even if they didn't think it was a big deal. Rebecca didn't want to get something she wasn't sure she'd earned.

At this point, as they again passed her by, Tessa, her cousin, gave her a look of concern, her brows furrowed, her mouth a downturned line of disapproval. Rebecca looked away, not wanting her to see her cry, but right there in the middle of the ceremony, she attempted to hand Rebecca her own badge, anger now showing plainly as she tried to hide a soft scowl from Jane. Rebecca shook her head and they turned their attention back to the ceremony, which was now falling to a close. They each bent their heads, as a silver tiara with glittery rhinestones was placed upon their heads, a soft blue cape of satin about their shoulders, and a dozen roses put into their arms. The graduation was finished and the congregation communed to the gym for the cake and ice cream to follow. As the last of the congregation left the STARs to reorganize and family and close friends to congratulate the graduates, Rebecca disolved into tears, holding onto her mother who had rushed forward to comfort her. The anger radiated off of her in red clouds almost visible. A few members of the congregation who knew Rebecca had stayed behind to apologize to her for something that wasn't their fault.

A day that was supposed to be most treasured in her life so far had mounted into one painful memory. The support of several members of the congregation, the anger of her friends and family helped, but the apparent betrayal of Karen hurt too deeply for the rest to heal. When asked, her only reply was that she had prayed long and hard about it last night, and finally relented to what God was telling her.

"I'm sorry, Becca, but you overslept for final rehearsal, that shows that you didn't really care for the coming honor, you weren't taking it seriously. I've heard oversleeping is a sign of depression...Are you depressed?" Her concern was apparent.

"I was..." tears escaped with two warring thoughts. He wasn't there. Thank God he wasn't there to see me humiliated. "I told you about my Dad..." She managed to choke out.

"I am sorry Becca, I really am, but God assured me that this was his plan."

It was in God's plan to humiliate me? I've already got a low enough self esteem! For a wonderful moment in my life to turn into nothing but pain and hurts...? This is what he wanted to honor me with? This was no honor, I was NOT honored on that stage, I was insulted. The thoughts were melancholy, filled with aching hurt feelings and smashed sense of self-worth. For if Karen had been told such things by God, Rebecca knew they must be true.

Then one thought filled her mind. I was proud. But God must have known that doing this would absolutely crush her sensitive feelings. The other girls were proud too. Why single me out? Then there was her cousin, seething in anger, as she admitted to Rebecca that there were several chapters she hadn't read on purpose just out of laziness. The badge was pressed into Rebecca's palm.

"Take it. If you don't, I'll just throw it away." Tears choked again as Rebecca's hand folded over the pin, greatful to Tessa for her support. This pin was no longer an honor for Bible Reading, it was the only happy souvenir of the whole thing--a symbol of someone who cared enough to be angry and sad on her own Honored Day just because her cousin had been slighted.

Another thought then occurred to Rebecca. Perhaps it's like Job? She wasn't as pure and faithful as Job had been to God, but this smacked as a test of faith, rather than a punishment. It was this thought that kept her going on the christian path, but it was this incident that had a hand in her eventual divergence, as her soul sought a more solid, fulfilling, and freeing form of spirituality. Job could keep his tears, she was no saint. Spirituality shouldn't be about chains and restrictions of the spirit. It shouldn't be about pain and betrayal, or even tests of faith. What gives God the right to bet with the Devil at the sport of a human--so he got more than he had before in the end, but that doesn't erase the pain he felt in the interim. Rebecca turned her back on their faith. Some might say she failed God's test of faith, but she knows better. It wasn't a test of faith afterall, it was a push in the right direction, in a different direction. A whisper to follow the individual path, not the masses, a journey into the personal connection that one cannot find on just the wisdom of others, or even in a book, the kind that is only achieved by communing with and discovering the source for oneself.

The memory still hurts, but at least the soul is free.

*I think this is a bit more expository than I wanted it to be, I think it might even be a bit dulled and blunt, but it's a freewrite, what more do you want? *I really need to quit accidently rhyming today haha*