 ~(Un)balanced~
Feb 11, 2004
All that time, everything that happened, it was all him. I hate him. Anymore, I hate myself. I know I deserve to die, I should never have gotten him involved. If he'd just stayed, if I'd just not let him come with me...gods, if I'd just stayed out of Kei's mind, thinking I was so helpful. Afterall, he told me to and I didn't listen. And now Alex is dead and it's my fault. The small knife at my side feels burning in my mind, calling to me. I've listened to it before, laced small white scars on my wrist. Until I found out that my own father caused it all to happen! I used to care, but now I don't and sometimes that scares me. I feel like a tempest is inside me that needs to be set loose and claim revenge, no matter the costs. Even my temper is shorter, and I feel myself becoming more and more unworthy of life as time goes on. I hate myself more as time goes on, and someday, it will prove the end of me, I know it. Forgive me Alex.
Strange, after so many years I found this small journal and read that last entry. I am so ashamed of my actions, but not the same ones from the entry. I am ashamed of the things I did afterward, the chaos I caused. I am not so angry with my father anymore, but we are not on even remotely friendly terms. It was unfair what he did to Syndra, I know that, but I also know that everything he did was to push me for what I was to become, what I am now. The fact that he is no longer the High God is almost enough compensation for everything he made happen to me, all of the life and love he trampled on to shape me with his ruthless actions. I am the new Goddess of nature now, and he finds our world in balance for it now. I side with neither him nor Syndra but I will keep them both in check. The other Gods seem better for it. Best of all, with access to the spirit realm, I can see Alex whenever I want. I think I am finally on the path to forgiving myself for the evil I wrought. Looking on this entry as I am now, I can realize that I really had no choice. Grudgingly, I admit that my father pulled off what he had to in order to bring me into my powers for the greater good, amusingly, it's just not quite the way he expected.
--Akasha
Saronai
:: remember ::
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